Asylum Within

[Jacksblackpearl]

That day, that one day. It changed her life. It changed her.

"Stop saying that! I do not miss them. I don't hear them. I do not miss them"
Terri was sitting in her room, a bedroom she was sharing with a roommate. She was sitting on the floor, next to her bed. It wasn't unusual anymore. Whenever Terri had a nightmare the voices started talking again, waking her up, driving her insane. Sometimes from the early night, sometimes in the late morning. There was never an exception..

It was the night of the accident. The night the voices started talking to her, the night she realized she wasn't alone, eventhough both her parents had died in that car-accident. She didn't know where they come from but they were just there, all of a sudden.
The doctor says she created them herself. But why ? It made no sence to her. She liked being alone. Especially now, now that the voices drove her insane..

"Make them leave! I told you it was nothing and that's what you are. YOU ARE NOT HERE!!" SHe screamed all of a sudden, banging her head against the closet she was leaning against.

"Inhere, she's in here!" A nurse runs in, followed by a male nurs
"It's okay, we'll get them out" The guy grabs an injection and pushes the needle into Terri's arm

Tim groaned as he slowly woke up. The yelling from the girl in the room next to his woke him up earlier then he wanted to wake up.
He glanced down to his hands, seeing them shake like hell. No way he would be able to go to sleep again like this.
It was his fifth day. Cold Turkey. normally starting the day with three beers, and continueing that behaviour until he fell asleep, drunk.
He got up and quickly got dressed, figuring he could go and see what was happening in the room next door..

[Lana]

"I hate you".
There was no reply.
"I fucking hate you".
Once again, no reply followed.
"I goddamn fucking", - the girl clenched her fists, - "HATE YOU!" - she screamed, frustrated and desperate.

And, expected as it was, no reply came. Mirrors didn't talk, but they showed... and sometimes they showed too much, far more than enough for her, more than she could bear.
Beatrice sobbed and glared at the cold polished surface of the mirror, loathing her reflection with every fibre of her soul. However, she couldn't look away and kept staring intently and attentively at every millimeter of her body, from all possible angles, pinching her skin with two fingers to see how much fat she had.

She spent more than half an hour inspecting herself, and the more she looked into the mirror, the more she wanted to smash it to bits. But Beatrice couldn't let herself do it, since it was her only saviour, the only mirror she could use in the entire building.

"Assholes..." - she muttered, spotting a camera right above the mirror. Its red "eye" was twinkling, which meant that the device was switched on and whoever was on duty could see what she was doing. She pursed her lips and grinned crookedly at the camera, giving it her middle finger, which expressed exactly what she thought about the whole regime.

Beatrice couldn't escape them anywhere, they watched her 24/7, since the very first day she came to the clinic. Nurses everywhere, doctors almost everywhere, other patients wherever she tried to hide, and cameras, cameras, cameras. In all the wards, in all the toilets, everywhere!

She wasn't paranoid, it was the truth. She couldn't hide even for a single moment, if only under her blanket. But even when she was in the WC, the cameras kept recording. In case something happened. In case she tried to do something she wasn't supposed to do. In case she wanted to cut herself or throw up the food she ate. In case she tried to be herself.

She glanced at the mirror again, made a face of utter aversion and left the toilet, returning to her ward. She had to sneak to the WC whenever she wanted to cast a glance at herself, since it was the only place with the mirror in the whole mental hospital, besides the rooms of staff, but of course, patients weren't welcome there.

Beatrice came back to her room and fell onto the bed, not taking her clothes off - she couldn't stand seeing her body anymore. She pulled the blankets over herself and tried to fall asleep.

"Fuck", - she muttered, having heard the screams from the ward next to hers.

[Jacksblackpearl]

Slowly but surely Terri started to come, this was about the time that Tim came in.
“Is she going insane again?” He grinned a little and tried to catch a glamps of the girl that was sitting on the floor, still wearing her nightdress, all curled up into a little ball.
“Tim, you are not supposed to be here” The male nurse said.

“Relaxed, just trying to see how my neighbour is doing. I’m “Concerned” He smirked and went back to the door. “She f*cking woke me up, at least gimme the favour of seeing what’s up with her, give me a little pleasure of enjoying others going crazy when I’m still calm”

“We’ll talk about your calmness later during our meeting” A doctor said who came in. It was in fact the doctor that ran the hospital AND the group-hours of talking that were held every afternoon.

[PirateOTC]

Anthony was sitting in his room, on his bed when a nurse knocked on his door softly.

"Anthony? It's nurse Mary, I'm here to give you your medecines" she said behind the door, slowly opening it

He quickly hugged his legs tighter as he sat crawled up in his bed and he looked at the door.
"WAIT!"

She stopped.
"Okey, Anthony. I'm waiting. Tell me when you're ready"

He swallowed and looked towards his little window that was covered up with a blanket.
"...is it night yet?"

"Not for some more hours, Anthony"

"Is it---is it---black--I mean dark..where you are now?"

"All lights are on here. Can I come in?"

He swallowed again and breathed a sigh of relief
"Okey"

She pushed the door opened slowly and stepped into Anthonys room
"Hi, how do you feel today? You haven't been out of your room anything"

He bit his fingernail and shook his head and watched her in silence as she prepared his medecines

[Sarah]

Aurora was having a bath...supervised ofcourse, by a female nurse. She hated this lack of privacy, wanted to lash out at nurse Fiona, hurt her and make her go away, but she had learned long ago that 'violence gets you nowhere' (a phrase she had to repeat 10 times every morning and evening). She lay her head against the rim of the bath and closed her eyes.

'come on Aurora, you've got only 10 minutes left sweety'

'Im not Aurora', she said, her eyes still closed.

'Oh...hello Emily...', said Fiona, starting to panic..Emily was the violent half of Aurora...she slowly pressed the red button on the wall, which signalled for help.

'You can stop pressing that, I won't bite' said Aurora, smiling, her eyes still closed.

'How did you...'

Aurora opened her eyes suddenly...'what you think I havent realised that theres always 4 security guards when I'm around!! I know what you all think...you think I'm an animal!!'

'No, hunny that isn't true' replied Fiona, willing security to hurry up...she could sense one of Auroras violent fits coming along

Aurora sprung up, her body soapy, her hair full of shampoo, and climbed out of the bath. 'LET ME OUT!' she yelled walking towards Fiona...'I MEAN IT LET ME OUT NOW!'

Fiona was shaking...'Aurora, calm down please!'. She was fumbling in her pocket for the jab that would put Aurora to sleep instantly

'I'M NOT AURORA!' she grabbed Fiona, but was instantly pricked in the arm...everything went hazy..the last thing she saw was a towel thrown over her and 4 security guards desceding onto her, each grabbing an arm or leg.

[Lana]

Beatrice groaned and buried her face in the pillow, desperately trying to fall asleep, which proved to be absolutely impossible. She sat up and reached for the shelf, rummaging in it, looking for some sleeping-pills, but there were none. Usually a nurse could give one or two pills, but never more than two, since it was considered to be dangerous: a patient could take too many at once, attempting to commit a suicide.

"I want some sleep, not a suicide..." - Beata muttered moodily and leaned against the wall, pulling her knees closer and resting her chin on them. She looked around the ward, stopping for a while at the silhouette of a girl under the sheets - her neighbour. She had almost the same diagnosis, lived in one ward with Beata, but they hardly ever talked. The girl almost never got up, preferring to be abed 24/7, leaving the ward only for necessary procedures and forced-feeding, since she was an anorexic as well.

Beatrice's gaze travelled to the window, and she could see the rising sun, through the thick glass of the hospital-window and through the bars, dividing the nature outside into numerous small squares. Behind the bars, like an animal... like a caged animal, watched every day and every night.

She sighed heavily and bit her lip slightly, listening to the commotion in the corridors and other wards.
In the world of so-called normal people, they could sleep as long as they wanted to, or they had to jump at shrill sounds of alarms, but here, in the asylum, sleeping was out of question when the first madman opened their eyes.

Screams, yells, hallucinations, schizophrenia, paranoia, violence... doctors and nurses making a fuss, injections, drugs, pills, electroshock...
Only a deaf person could fall asleep, once woken up in this mayhem.

She could already make out who was yelling, could recognize Aurora's violent shouting from the bathroom, Terri's tears behind the wall... Beata buried her face in her hands, feeling a tear slide down her cheek.

What am I doing here?.. What the hell am I doing here?.. Why? Why me?.. I don't have hallucinations, don't have multiple personalities, don't believe in ghosts, demons and gods, I'm not possessed by any of them, I don't think I'm Napoleon or Hitler, I don't think the FBI is after me together with aliens from Alpha-Centaur... I am normal!, - she thought, feeling more and more tears stinging her eyes. - Don't talk to myself, don't pretend to have met Jesus Christ in person, don't want to have control over the world, am not afraid of everything... WHAT am I doing HERE?.. - her shoulders were shaking by now, as she couldn't stop crying.

It was unfair.
She never hurt anyone, she wasn't dangerous for the society, and still, she was in a cage, like all these schizophrenics and maniacs, she was one of them, with a label that said: "MAD". The label that crossed her life and interrupted it.
Labelled as "insane", she had to live in the asylum, together with people she was afraid of. And still, she was considered to be one of them.
She hurt only herself, by starving and cutting, but... it was her own business, wasn't it? No one had the right to mess into her life, no one had the right to stick their noses into her business, right?..

I'm not dangerous for anyone... why am I KEPT HERE?!
"Because you're dangerous for yourself", - Beata remembered the psychiatrist's words on admission and sobbed.

[Devyn]

Annalise, or Envy as she liked to be called-- she'd only answer to Envy. She was the Envy of everyone. She should be the Envy of everyone. She had everything and everyone else had nothing... compared to her.

She heard as scream from down the hall in a room, from where she was sitting in the lounge area-- with special permission. You only got to sit in the lounge area if you were good and took your medicine and didn't stir up any shit for the nurses to put up with.

I'm a good girl.

She had her own room, but she never spent anytime in there. You couldn't lock up a social butterfly in a room by herself, but the nurses always felt that keeping Envy alone was much better for her insanity.

I'm fully fuctioning... they keep me here for my safety... everyone wants to steal my money here... I have to keep it safe.

"Annalise?" The petite nurse smiled, standing by the door, holding a lemonade in one hand, "Look what I brought you to tak your meds with. How about that, hmm?" She frowned when the sixteen year old made no motion to say that she'd heard. "Annalise?"

"That's not my name..." Envy ran a hand through her hair, a frustrated ton in her voice.
How many times do I have to tell them?!

The nurse sighed, "Alright, Envy... come take your meds."

Envy got up easily now, unfolding her small legs from under her on the couch and walking over, swallowing the pills with the lemonade. "Who's screaming?"

"No one you need to worry about." The nurse shook her head, taking back the empty glass.

"I can worry... is someone coming to see me today?" Envy looked almost expectant and excited at the question.

"No. No one is here, honey, I'm sorry."

"I know that." Envy waved her hand, "I told them not to come over the phone last week. Someone would probably follow them here. I'll just call them tonight."

The nurse sighed, nodding a little, knowing Envy hadn't seen or touched a phone in years since she'd come to the asylum. Everyday she thought she'd get better, but the truth of the matter was she had her good and bad days and there was nothing to be done about it... nothing.

[Sarah]

When she woke up, Aurora was back in her bed. It was almost dark outside. She sighed...couldn't remember what had happened in the time between her having a bath, and Fiona telling her she had 10 minutes left... 'you see...often when dealing with the death of a loved one, people can develop schizophrenia, taking on the role of the person they lost' echoed doctor Smiths words in her ears. But she hadn't lost anyone...she squeezed her eyes shut... mum and dad are still alive...so is Henry...and aunt Janice..uncle Mark . A few seconds later she opened her eyes again...'so who else is there!' she shouted. She sighed again and turned on her side. She was lonely..longing for a roomate...but she was too "dangerous" to be able to share a room...apparently the last girl she shared a room with was beaten and had to have 20 stitches.

She got up and walked to the window where a butterfly was resting, showing off its beautiful wings...she picked it up tenderly and placed it in her palm... I couldn't hurt you let alone a human......

~1 minute later~

The butterfly lay wingless on the windowsill, and 'Emily' sat admiring the wings she'd plucked off...the butterfly was having slight spasms, dying slowly...'serves you right for showing off b!tch' she said with a smile, and lay down again.

[PirateOTC]

"Can I go out?" Anthony suddenly asked the nurse, looking at her with the sad look in his eyes he always had.
Anthony wasn't dangerous to anybody. He just had very bad luck and was fragile. His phobia made him into someone he thought he wasn't. But he couldn't remember last time he hadn't felt afraid.
Somedays he felt really good, he felt brave...maybe he even smiled those days. But most days he was quiet, calm, careful, afraid.
He remembered one time, when he had still been in a normal house with a normal family (gosh, that felt like it was decades ago). He was like any other kid...well.. maybe he was much calmer than any other kids though...he never ran around, he never yelled, he never played Police and Thief...
Maybe it was bound to end this way then? Maybe he and everybody should have known?
Now, years later, he could sit in an isolated room with a covered window, thinking back to those days... and sometimes he blamed himself for becoming like this, sometimes he thought he should have done something, he never knew what, but something and maybe he would be a normal 20-ish boy, hanging out with girls, driving a car, going to university.... no, that never happened. Fate wasn't kind to him. Fate or God had other plans for him
Some people has to be the crazy ones so that the normal people knows that they are normal

He had never hurt himself eventhough he blamed himself for being like this. He was too tired, he accepted it too much. He accepted his misery... He never made any commotion (unless someone else started it by scaring him), he was a good guy. Nurses told him so, especially nurse Mary. She liked him. She saw that he was just sad, unfortunate. He wasn't evil. He was a very nice guy...beneath the phobias.
Oh, these endless phobias. He had stopped pondering about them for a long time now. He just went crazy if he thought about his 'problems', the reason he was here at all. So he tried his best just to live as normal as he could.

The phobias... he remember one time clearly, it must have been when it all started...or maybe he just made it up, cause he really couldn't remember when it started. But one memory was clear for him;

He was 10 years old. He was brushing his teeth like a good boy, just before he was gonna go to his room and crawl down underneath his dinosaur-cover to have a good nights sleep. Suddenly when he had spit out the toothpaste into the sink, he looked up at his reflection in the mirror and he felt his heart race. He stiffened. He panicked. He held his breath. But nothing was there to be afraid of. Only himself. Only the reflection of himself. Yet he could hardly breathe and eventually he had managed to run out of the bathroom and dive down in his bed.
Then it continued. It got worse. That was his first phobia; The fear of mirrors and the fear of seeing himself in one.
That's when his hell started, when his life would always suffer under a control. A control he himself had no control over; The phobias. And the control he had to make himself;
He learned to cover the windows so he wouldn't see his own reflection in one. And as he started getting afraid by more things, he also had the windows covered so he wouldn't see the darkness once it became night. Afraid of the dark, afraid of his reflection...those were the first phobias he remember having. Now he had probably 20 different phobias. Doctors had stopped diagnosing him and he ended up in different mental hospitals cause his parents couldn't deal with him. He couldn't deal with himself.
But he liked it here. Sure, there were others here who was teasing him, but he knew they weren't any better, why else were they here? He could breathe here...and those days he couldn't , he was supervised.

"No, don't hold him! Let him go! Let him go! Anthony, Anthony stop screaming, no one's holding you now!"

"DON'T LOOK AT ME! DON'T LOOK AT ME!"

"It's alright, Anthony, no one is looking at you, take a deep breath, no one is holding you, no one is looking at you"

"Should I give him the shot now once he's still?"

"...yeah...yeah..just don't look at his face"

He blinked and looked up towards his covered up window now. Nurse Mary told him that he was a very good boy, a nice and polite boy who did what he was told and who knew how to live with his 'problem'
(he never told her she was lying. Cause if it was the truth, he wouldn't be here. He knew she only wanted the best for him..).
My problem
It was true though. He had developed a way to live each day;
Cover up the window so that I don't accidently see myself during the day and so that I won't see the darkness when it comes.
Look down when someone is looking longer than 20 seconds at me, cause then he's staring at me... "I don't like it when you look at me like that, please don't"
Never wear tight clothes, it will suffocate me, stop my bloodflow and that will lead to that I die.
Don't look at the seats in the big dining-room, they have numbers on them. I'm not suppose to sit on any number (I'm the one sitting on the chair without one)
Take it easy when I eat, make sure what I eat is fresh, otherwise I might throw up. oh god..

"Anthony?"

"Hm?" he snapped out of it and looked at her

"I said that you can go out of your room for awhile" she smiled

He nodded and slided down from his bed and carefully walked over to nurse Mary and the door. He was wearing a loose t-shirt, baggy pants and his hair hadn't been combed. But he didn't mind. He never saw himself in a mirror anyway. He couldnt remember what he looked like, so why would he care?

Nurse Mary walked with him out of his room and out to the lounge area where other patients were, though most were locked up in their rooms.
Mary kept looking at him and the ones who were in the lounge room so she would see if it was safe to let him be alone. It seemed so now.
"Do you want to lay puzzle, Anthony? We have bought new ones, they're over by the table if you want to"

"No thanks" he said polite and in a low voice, looking down on the ground, but then raising his head a little to look around in the room and he slowly made his way over to a couch.
He looked so calm, almost slightly tired, but his mind was always working fulltime, the thoughts were always there, always in the back of his head;
Don't look to the left, the bookshelf is there and some books are numbered. Don't go too close to Eric cause he likes to kill small insects and show them to me, don't...don't look there, don't go there, don't..don't...don't..

He sat down in the couch, almost immidiately melting in with the background. He just watched what the other patients were doing

[Sarah]

After 20 minutes of quiet time, thinking over what she had done wrong (which Aurora didn't know as she couldn't fill in the blanks when her supposed alter ego came about), Aurora was allowed to leave the room supervised by nurse John. He knocked on her door three times and then stepped in. Aurora was just pulling her top down, and he coughed slightly and looked away, embarrased at having caught her in her bra. She flattened out her top and smiled at him. He smiled back grateful that it was 'Aurora' and not 'Emily' he had to deal with. (last week 'Emily' tried to grope him on the way to the dining hall...the most awkward thing that had ever happened to him, and which he didn't repeat to anyone especially not Aurora).

'Hey Johnny boy, whats up' Aurora said with a smile. She liked John...he was sweet, only 8 years older than her and easy to talk to.

'nothing much...you feeling better?'

'I never felt bad to begin with' she said, and took his arm, walking out of the room. She needed to see faces, other people...she needed to be around humans, to see faces and not blank walls. Nurse John led her to the lounge area. All the other patients stiffened, except for Anthony who was staring at the floor as per usual. She takes a pill from John, which is supposed to decrease her 'episodes' and takes a seat. 'Hi' she says cheerfully to the other patients. Nobody replies and she looks down at her hands. Johns heart breaks for her, but he is summoned away to help another patient.