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Post by Sarah on Jul 10, 2007 13:41:33 GMT
She puts her head down for a while, trying to think of how to say what she wants to tactfully...'what happens when you look at them?'
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Post by PirateOTC on Jul 10, 2007 13:49:03 GMT
He's quiet and eats his panncakes now, but soon shrugs and says, not looking up at her;
"I feel bad"
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Post by Sarah on Jul 10, 2007 13:50:42 GMT
'have you tried looking at them for long enough....even if it feels bad...you might soon realise they're not so bad?'
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Post by PirateOTC on Jul 10, 2007 13:52:57 GMT
He shakes his head now and shrinks down a bit in his chair to show that he's not comfortable talking about it right now
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Post by Sarah on Jul 10, 2007 13:54:12 GMT
'well..' she stops when she sees him back away slightly..'aw I'm sorry...I've got a big mouth..dont know when to shut up sometimes' she smiles and raises his chin slightly...'I'll stop...'
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Post by PirateOTC on Jul 10, 2007 14:04:02 GMT
He smiles slightly and says randomly, looking at her plate;
"You took a lot of food"
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Post by Sarah on Jul 10, 2007 14:08:31 GMT
She laughs...'yeah I'm pretty hungry...I only had breakfast yesterday, and I skipped everything else...' she looks down at her plate...'Im not so hungry anymore though...hmm..weird'
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Post by PirateOTC on Jul 10, 2007 14:10:51 GMT
"Why did you take that much food then?"
he asks and stops eating now, looking at her plate
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Post by Sarah on Jul 10, 2007 14:13:43 GMT
She smirks..'cos I was hungry before...but now Im not...what is this an interogation?' she grins...'why dont you take some?'
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Post by Lana on Jul 10, 2007 14:14:09 GMT
The shimmering red "eye" of the camera in the corner of the ward left no doubts: there was no privacy in this asylum, not even in the toilets, not in the wards, not in the corridors. One could stay alone nowhere. If anyone tried to do anything "stupid", they would be immediately found by nurses or doctors and stopped. Or, what would be much worse, put into an isolation ward or totally numbed by heavy drugs.
Beatrice sighed, giving the camera a cold glare. She did her best to resist the temptation of giving the camera a middle finger, but, after all, she had already caused enough trouble and nurses weren't as soft with her as they had been before. They hardly ever trusted her, making her swallow every piece of food.
I hate them... I hate this place - she thought bitterly. - And I hate my fat self - the girl frowned, glancing at her legs. She didn't know her weight, but she could bet it was around 55, while, in fact, it was only 43. Hate, hate, hate...
She could feel one of the depressions coming, and, after all, it was quite reasonable: she didn't have much to be happy with. Nothing at all, to be precise. No friends - she was afraid of madmen. Nothing to look forward to. Plus, her ED couldn't be treated, at least nothing helped. Forced feeding surely made her gain some weight, but mentally she was as disordered as ever, if not even more. She hated her body, the whole posture, everything about herself. And she couldn't realize that she, in fact, was thin enough to be worred about. Whenever she took a bite of food, she felt huge and ugly, even if it was just a loaf of bread. Eating itself, as a process, made her body-image-distortion increase, she didn't really see herself when she looked into the mirror.
She lied down and pulled the sheets over herself, up to her chin.
I'll fool you, darlings, - Beata thought moodily.
Under the sheets, so that the camera would record nothing unusual, her right hand travelled to her left one...
~~~ approximately 20 minutes later ~~~
There was a dull pain in her left wrist, as it was bleeding 'cause of numerous scratches she had managed to leave with her short nails.
Determination was strong enough to overcome all the obstacles: the lack of sharp objects, the lack of privacy, total control over everything.
But Beata smirked slightly, feeling thin streams of warm blood run down her arm.
She did it. She made herself bleed, using just her nails, even though they were rather short.
The mental pain caused by self-hatred subsided, replaced by physical pain.
It was worth it...
Sometimes mental pain was unbearable, it made her want to scream, but screaming was useless and would change nothing. Moreover, is she screamed, she would be calmed down quickly by drugs, which she didn't fancy.
Mental pain had to be replaced, and that's when self-injuring occured. Anorexia made Beatrice hate herself whenever she felt fat, which was quite often, 'cause she was forced to eat... and that was when she found out a way to ease the self-hatred - expressing it in self-harm.
They'll find out... - she thought, being sure that nurses and doctors would notice the scratches and the blood on the sheets... - But now I couldn't care less....
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